Short answer: it depends.
Everyone’s circumstances and relationships are unique, so my personal opinion is likely to a) be irrelevant for a lot of people, b) offend a lot of people.
It all depends on how much the mess in your house bothers you and how important a tidy, clutter-free and organised home is to you.
I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I did – and I was on both ends of the spectrum: the messy one, and the one who wanted the mess gone.
Your Values
When I split up with my long-term partner, I didn’t even realise that his untidiness partially contributed to the break-up. Looking back at what went wrong, I realised it played a big part (of course it wasn’t 100% the reason, we had other issues).
When you look at it at face value, you might think: ‘Bitch is crazy…come on, it’s just tidying, it’s not a reason to break up with someone…’ But what I was feeling under the surface was: ‘You don’t care about the things that are important to me. My physical environment affects me immensely and you continuously and completely disregard one of my biggest values. You’re not listening to me. I feel frustrated. I feel unhappy and anxious in my own home and you’re choosing to ignore it.’
See – that’s why I asked you in the beginning: how important is it to you? To me, my environment is everything. My home is everything. I can spend two hours scrolling through Dunelm website, looking at stupid cushions. I can wonder around Homebase just to look at floor panels, storage containers and wallpapers. I watch interior design videos to learn new tips and tricks. Sometimes I go on Rightmove and look at the most fancy properties just to get inspiration and recreate at least part of that interior in my house. I love opening any drawer or cupboard in my home and finding exactly what I was looking for. Practical benefits aside, I hugely appreciate beauty, order and aesthetically pleasing environments. That’s where I thrive and feel calm.
At the end of a long and tiring day, my home is literally the thing that hugs my soul. Everything in there serves a purpose (not just practical). My favourite mug is at the front in the kitchen cupboard, right next to the cafetiere, so that I can make my morning coffee quickly. Old documents which I use infrequently are stored in a sofa storage so that the ‘premium estate’ in cupboards and drawers is reserved for things I use more often. The first thing I see when I wake up is a poster of delicious creamy espresso – which sure as hell gets my ass out of bed very effectively. Every room is styled with accessories that I like looking at and colours which soothe me.
So if someone was to ask me: ‘How important is your home in your life?’ I’d say a solid 9/10. Now, if your answer is 3/10 or even 5/10, then your decision-making will be very different to mine. As such, there is no one correct answer to tell you what to do when your partner/family member/flatmate is not cooperating.
The best thing to do is therefore to:
- Examine your feelings – be honest with yourself and be specific. Are you annoyed, frustrated, sad, tired, resentful? Is it just the mess in the house that’s the problem, or is it actually deep down to do with the relationship you have with the person in question?
- Examine your values – see how high home scores on your priority list and let this guide you to make decisions that are right for you.
- Come up with action plan – something clearly needs to be done, the problem won’t just go away. So depending on your answers to points 1 and 2, what options do you have? Write down anything that comes to your mind. Is it just an honest conversation that’s way overdue? A new set of rules with consequences if the rules are broken? Couples therapy? Compromise? Finding a new flatmate?
Compromise
As I said before, there was a time when I was also on the other end of the tidiness spectrum – I was the little messy twat that couldn’t understand why my mum wanted a tidy house so much. I wasn’t being malicious, I just lacked the emotional maturity to grasp it (most kids probably do). So what worked for me? Well, my mum had one rule: ‘I don’t care what you do in your room. You can have all your clutter on the floor, you can write poems with your finger in the layer of dust and you can even take a dump in there if that floats your boat. But keep your stuff in your room. Just close the door so I don’t have to look at it. The rest of the house – my house, my rules.’
So, of course, I huffed and puffed and resorted to the bare minimum, but it kept her happy. I cleaned after myself after using the kitchen and the bathroom. I’d scoop up my stuff that was sprinkled around the house and dump it on my bed. I’d put my shoes on the shoe rack, instead of leaving it in the middle of the hallway.
These were just little things, but it kept my mess at bay. And I knew that if I didn’t keep my part of the deal, there would be consequences – the atmosphere at home would stink for a solid few days, I’d most likely be grounded and I could say goodbye to my pocket money. So I chose to obey.
Your situation will of course be different to mine, but it’s always about finding the right level of compromise – that sweet spot which resonates with your family/kids/partner/flatmate and also keeps you happy.
