We tend to think that all our thoughts, beliefs and opinions are ours. But…erm, not quite.
I’m such an untidy person. I can’t wait to meet the one and get married. I’ll never be able to buy a house. No way I’ll ever get promoted, I won’t be able to cope with more responsibilities. Tropical holidays are extravagant — if I ever afford one it will be a once in a lifetime opportunity.
But how much of that is really yours?
The other day, I sat with a glass of bourbon and pondered on how my thoughts and beliefs changed over time.
When I was a little girl, I used to say: ‘when I get married’ and ‘when I have kids’. When. Not if. Because that’s just what happens, right?
As the years went by, I kept delaying this ‘glorious’ moment. ‘Oh, I still have time. The sweet spot would be when I’m 27.’ But then I turned 27, 29, 30, 35 and nothing was happening. And it wasn’t because the opportunities weren’t there. In fact, when my ex-boyfriends mentioned marriage and kids, I’d immediately turn pale and change the subject after laughing nervously like a maniac.
My head was saying ‘yay!’, but something deep down inside me whispered ‘ay, ay, ay’.
And eventually it dawned on me: I never wanted to get married in the first place. I don’t want kids. Hell, I don’t even want to live with anyone! These things simply weren’t my dream.
Where do our thoughts and beliefs come from?
So where did the original idea of marriage and kids come from? From fucking cartoons. And from family.
Most of our parents and grandparents were married — that used to be the norm. And most goddamn Disney princesses ended up with a big wedding, a prince and a carriage.
But there’s more. Think of the quality of the relationships these princesses were having. They were passive. They were either stuck in a tower, poisoned or in a fucking coma. Better still — remember Beauty and the Beast? Dude had anger issues and literally kept her hostage, until she changed him — he went all soft and fell in love with her. How romantic. Would have been great to learn that you could perhaps use your own brain and your own skills, but naah. Why bother if you can just sit there and be saved by a guy.
So from a very early age, it was instilled in us that what we really need to overcome life’s problems is a penis, and that it’s ok for a guy to be a prick because if we tolerate it, he will eventually change. When you think about it — that’s really fucked up.
And guess what — I did end up tolerating a lot of stuff I shouldn’t have for almost two decades, thinking that what I was doing was ‘compromising’ and that I could change people, instead of realising that we were simply not compatible and moving on.
This was just one example and, of course, our thoughts and beliefs go beyond our romantic relationships.
Everything we believe about ourselves and the world — our own capabilities, earning potential, how easily we trust others, how good or bad the world is — came from somewhere. As children, and also later in life, we absorbed a lot of stuff which wasn’t ours and now we take these thoughts and beliefs for granted. We often think that that’s just who we are and that it’s impossible to change it.
How to change your thoughts and beliefs
The good news is that we can change the thoughts, beliefs and opinions which suck for us and are actually causing us more bad than good. It’s not a quick or easy process, but the principles are actually very simple:
- You need to first become aware of the thoughts that suck.
- Then you choose what you’d rather think instead.
- When you catch yourself thinking your old stinky thoughts again, you go ‘ay, ay, ay!’ and repeat the new and improved thought to yourself.
- Rinse and repeat. It becomes easier and more automatic with time.
In case you’re wondering, I’m not just making this shit up. If you read up on Stoic philosophy, you’ll see that these guys talked about how we’re all influenced by our own judgements of events and situations. These judgements or lenses (often irrational) came from somewhere, and most of the time we don’t even know it. Their teachings aim to make us aware of our existing judgements and consciously choose better ones.
Great story, but what do I actually do now to get rid of my limiting beliefs, you might be asking?
Action plan
1. Pay attention to these subtle feelings that are very gently and quietly letting you know that something isn’t quite right.
Example: You might notice that you’re feeling a bit resentful that your friend just moved in to a new house and after only a few days, her home is already a picture-perfect.
2. Examine that thought or belief and ask yourself how you really feel about it.
Be 100% brutally honest with yourself. You don’t have to tell anyone, you don’t have to immediately action it, you don’t even have to write it down anywhere. Your head is your ‘safe space’ so allow yourself to explore thoughts which are uncomfortable. It’s just between you and you.
Example: You might realise that your resentment has nothing to do with your friend or her house. You feel envy, because deep down you don’t believe you can have that kind of home too.
Dig deeper — is this definitely true and you can say it with 100% certainty? No, nothing is 100% certain, there’s always something that can be done or influenced.
Dig even deeper — why do you think you can’t have it? You might say, because I just don’t know how to organise my stuff or I just don’t have that eye for colours and details and interiors.
Great — now we’re getting somewhere because you re-focused from something that’s not in your control (your friend and her life) to something that’s within your control (you and your actions).
3. Choose a new thought in place of the old one.
If you were to design your new way of thinking, what would you choose to think instead?
Example: You might say to yourself that with a bit of time and patience anyone can learn to be more organised and style a home.
4. Take action.
Think about what you can actually do to get closer to proving your new thought right. The best way to start believing something is to actually experience it.
Example: You can watch a few YouTube videos with basic interior design tips (it can really be this simple — taking action doesn’t have to be rocket science). Read a book about organisation. Talk to that friend with the perfect house and ask how she did it. Look at pictures of interiors that you like and start examining what specifically you like about them. Is it the furniture? That one specific piece of art? Or maybe the colour palette?
These little action steps may at first seem like nothing. But exposing yourself to the things you perceive as ‘unachievable’ serves two purposes:
- It will make you realise that whatever you feared isn’t actually that scary.
- Each one of these tiny action steps will take you closer to achieving your big goal, therefore, proving to yourself that your new thoughts are true.
5. Bear in mind that noticeable and lasting changes in mindset take time.
It can be hard to stomach because we live in an instant gratification society, but sometimes things just take time and there’s not much you can do about it. Anyone who tells you ‘buy my online course, banish limiting beliefs and make your first million in 6 weeks’ is full of shit and wants your money. You don’t just become an elite level athlete by going for a run once and you won’t change your mindset which has been programmed for decades in one day.
But take one tiny step every day and you’ll be surprised how quickly the magic happens.
